I was obsessed with livestock barns, cattle and hogs. I still love that, and I still do that as a hobby.So I'm a strange person.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

A peaceful nature is the best doctor for an unpeaceful mind!

A lost sheep needs a shepherd to find the way

It's hard to be in a bad mood when you're walking around looking like you're about to play the semifinals at Wimbledon.

Of all animals, he alone attains to the Contemplative Life.

The idea that I [should] trust my eyes more than the stats, I don't buy that because I've seen magicians pull rabbits out of hats and I know that the rabbit's not in there.

Doe what thou oughtest, and come what come can.

When I'm tired, I rest. I say, 'I can't be a superwoman today.'

That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed. It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

I'm a Christian. I was born and raised a Catholic. But I think there are people that are frauds that are ministers.

EXTREMELY FUNNY! A SUPER-VIRTUOSO! I expected to enjoy 'The Two and Only,' but I didn't expect to be touched, much less to find my eyes growing moist.