I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Dont turn your face all the stars are out longing you.

Even the purest of souls get ravished and consumed by the most thirsty quintessential desire to possess power.

The present is what is happening when you strip away all the resentments of your past and all the worries you have about your future.

Blind faith in belief-system, ideologies, doctrine or dogma can never set us free. Only the knowledge of truth can liberate us from the slavery of doctrine, dogmas, blind faiths and religious sects.

Our eyes are full of terrible confessions.

Art is the expression of the artist´s overflowing soul.

Words were her plague and words were her redemption.

I still marvel at how God turns dreams into reality.

Fifa cannot sit by and see greed rule the football world. Nor shall we.

What does 'economic justice' mean, except that you want something that someone else produced, without having to produce anything yourself in return?