I was pretty subdued [as a kid ] because I didn't want to get spanked, and I didn't want to go to Hell.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

Oh, Lord, why was she doomed to adore a man steeped in blindness and utter stupidity?

I was raised mostly by my mom.

Let us turn to our own childhoods-no further-if we will renew our sense of remoteness, and of the mystery of change.

I've got two shirts still missing from the Bahamas. I'm sure they are part of a youth camping programme somewhere in Tanzania by now.

None who has known the charity of wine, Its pity, the cool logic of its spell Will waver in his loyalty, or dwell In any heaven where the grape lacks a shrine.

God made the senses turn outwards, man therefore looks outwards, not into himself. But occasionally a daring soul, desiring immortality, has looked back and found himself.

It is longstanding U.S. policy that we will talk to the Iranians anytime, anywhere, on any subject, with no preconditions. So far, they have not taken us up on our offer.

Oh the piercing sadness of life in the midst of its ordinariness!

My family for several generations have been members of the Unitarian Church.

The sound and just the fact that it was different from the piano, yet it still had some familiarity [made my fascinated with accordion].