I was really good in high school, so in college I was going to be really bad.

Bigfoot loves celebrities. You just have to bring celebrities that Bigfoot loves. It would probably be just gorgeous women.

I would host a show where I take famous people out into the woods every week to find Bigfoot. I would do that. And you know what? We would find him in like a week.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

You know the awkward class photo when you're sitting there for your school picture and you're 14 or something and you've got braces, and you don't know how to smile, and you've got a hard-on.

I've stolen a lot. Let me think about the best thing I've stolen. Stolen a lot of hearts.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.

Most monuments are not something you're going to keep me out of. And I go to a lot of monuments.

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

I've seen Jaws [movie], like, 800 times. And I love it.

That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

Freedom is a terrible gift, and the theory behind all dictatorships is that "the people" do no want freedom.

But the people who mattered were the people you chose instead of the people who were yours by an accident of birth. Real family was heart as much as, if not more than, blood.

...I need to return briefly to a few incidents that have grown into anecdotes, to some approximate memories which time has deformed into certainty.

Sometimes when you’re struggling to see kindness in the world, you need to be the creator of it to remind yourself it does exist.

Science is a beautiful gift to humanity we should not distort it.

What’s true of all the evils in the world is true of plague as well. It helps men to rise above themselves.

It is possible to be dumb and be a college president.

The future belongs to young people with an education and the imagination to create.

It is a strange desire, to seek power, and to lose liberty; or to seek power over others, and to lose power over a man's self.

I think men are a beautiful creation.