I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

He just wanted to get through his uninteresting day, so he could cross over into the night, and find his way to the red headed light that brightened the black sky.

Toward the person who has died we adopt a special attitude: something like admiration for someone who has accomplished a very difficult task.

My brothers were funny, and there was a lot of shtick and comedy and nastiness and violence and fighting and sports.

In a narrow circle the mind contracts. Man grows with his expanded needs.

I think that there's a liberal element out there that finds me not acceptable. They don't like my stance on a lot of issues because I am conservative.

When you’re as charming and physically attractive as myself, it’s easy enough to win over people you meet. But getting strangers to love you...now, that’s the trick.

Forgiveness is not saying that the one who hurt you was right. Forgiveness is stating that God is faithful and he will do what is right.

These days, you can do a TV series for five years and all of a sudden be on top of the business. Features don't even run in theaters very long anymore before going right to television.

It gets darker and darker and darker, and then Jesus is born.

Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.