I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

As they croak, I see myself in the pistol smoke.

When I tell her what I’m thinking and she tells me what she’s thinking, our each ideas jumping into the other’s head, like coulouring blue crayon on top of yellow that makes green.

Human excellence means nothing Unless it works with the consent of God.

If Planned Parenthood and Human Rights Campaign were part of the establishment, that would be time for all of us to just quit having to work so hard and defend it and fight for it.

The answer to most questions can be given in one or two words, and no one will challenge you to go deeper.

When people use your brand name as a verb, that is remarkable.

If there is one thing I have learned on this incredible journey we call life, it is this: the sign of a truly successful individual is humility.

It is an impertinent and unreasonable fault in conversation for one man to take up all the discourse.

the leader of armies is the arbiter of the people's fate, the man on whom it depends whether the nation shall be in peace or in peril.

As a territory, American Samoa has no representation in the U.S. Senate, and we Samoans lost a respected and powerful ally with the passing of Hawaii Sen. Daniel Inouye.