I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

I know there's a word called "miracle". But I don't know if there's a meaning inside the word, "miracle

Each writer is born with a repertory company in his head.

Dreams are a simple psychological emetic, and people who have them are more blessed than cursed

I didn't intend to become an actor.

Sometimes you can fix something that went wrong with what you do next and make it better than it would have been if it hadn't gone wrong, as an improviser, and I do know how to do that.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say that I've read very little of David Foster Wallace's work. It's a huge gap in my education, one of many.

After all, is football a game or a religion?

Talent is helpful in writing, but guts are absolutely necessary.

I didn't want to feel such love for someone else. I still wanted to be the object of that tidal wave.

The desires of man increase with his acquisitions.