I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler.

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.

I don't suffer from a mental illness, I live with it.

I have a healthy disrespect for religion. I really do. When Columbus came to this country in 1492 he brought syphilis, diphtheria, tuberculosis, influenza and Christianity. The diseases were curable.

It's hard to tell who's going to win this week, but it probably won't be a big, fat guy.

The course is so long, I had to take the curvature of the Earth into consideration.

Worst haircut I've ever seen in my life. And I've had a few bad ones. It looks like he (John Daly) has a divot over each ear.

If god wanted people to believe in him, why'd he invent logic then?

Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

Knowing the names of things is a way to pay respect to the beauty of the world...

[Nathan] wasn't blindly obsessed with a possession. He wasn't crazy. He was a hero--a father who'd risked his life to rescue his son.

Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year, and the coldest-just in case we want to have a parade

Children are the most wonderful audiences. What's struck me most is that that they watch it so silently, until the end when they shriek and shout and clap.

If you don't make Christmas presents, meaning making something that's so emotionally connected to people, don't talk to me.

Puttin rhymes into shape just like Jack LaLanne.

Every success story is a tale of constant adaption, revision and change.

It is not in virtue of its liberty that the human will attains to grace, it is much rather by grace that it attains to liberty.

If we practice love of neighbor with great perfection, we will have done everything.

The world wasn't a more tolerant place when I was a young man. Rather, they simply sidestepped all the issues.