I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon?

Say your heart out.. work that dream out.. for the time won't be back again.

In the midst of the storm, our anchor is hope.

He'd lived so long in anticipation of his own death that to contemplate his future was like standing at the edge of a cliff, staring into a vertiginous rush of open sky.

If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh, a backbiter, you need to check if you are worshiping God or your ego.

Color is my day-long obsession, joy and torment.

Joy draws its nourishment from quietness and from the unfathomable.

Suffice to say, many women find their first appearance on a comedy panel show to be their last. Second chances seem to be given less often to the female of the species.

Certainly, jazz has become more of a niche, which is surprising, because it's our music. It's the national music of America.

Let us think only of spending the present day well. Then when tomorrow shall have come, it will be called today, and then we will think about it.