I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Find out what makes you happy and do it. If you are happy, you bring happiness for the world.

It is within the power of writers and artists to do much more: to defeat the lie!

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Go where the weather suits your clothes.

As long as the cheques carry on coming in, and I'm enjoying my work, I shall continue acting.

I do believe that America's deepest political sickness is that it is a self-righteous nation.

It is impossible to communicate with Schumann. The man is hopeless; he doesn't talk at all.

Not to be arrogant, but I have a lot of hits, so my phone stay ringing, but it's consistent.

We have none of us seen a form which had not a beginning and will not have an end.

Free speech exercised both individually and through a free press, is a necessity in any country where people are themselves free.