I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Conversations between friends are the craziest and funniest of all.

I am as my Creator made me and since He is satisfied so am I.

Milk is a really important part of my diet. For London, I had to be in the best shape of my life, and having milk every day played a part in that.

Life has had to deal with environmental change, especially climate change, since the beginning of its existence on Earth.

If you really want to understand something, the best way is to try and explain it to someone else.

The earth is suffocating... Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.

There are always sides. There is always a winner and a loser. For every person who gets, there's someone who must give.

When people say, "It can't be done," or "You don't have what it takes," it makes the task all the more interesting.

My wife Susi and my kids quite simply are the most fun of all my friends.

I think that's why often people in creative fields can feel so alone is because there's a constant third eye, that constant watcher.