I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

If you are trying to get information across to someone, your ability to create a compelling introduction may be the most important single factor in the later success of your mission.

My experience with age it instills a degree of patience in some, leaves the virtuous spiritually unchanged, feeds the character defects in others, and brings little wisdom to any of us.

What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and world destruction?

The flowers anew, returning seasons bring; but beauty faded has no second spring.

When one is young, one venerates and despises without that art of nuances which constitutes the best gain of life.

Starbucks has changed the rules of engagement for the music industry.

I am not the one who loves - It's love that chooses me. When hatred with his package comes, you forbid delivery...

I don't enjoy playing video golf because there is nothing to throw.

Lipitor is one of the most researched medicines. I'm glad I take Lipitor, as a doctor, and a dad.

Why is this generation looking to aging icons like John Lennon and Bob Dylan for inspiration? Why not raising up their own icons?