I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Dreams are an insight into our psychology: they are what we are, but stripped of the conventions and norms of psychology, and the rules of the physical world…

Self love is number one. As you radiate it out to others

Embellishing a story for whatever reason proves you're a liar. Doing it in front of someone who knows the truth proves your stupidity.

Women love to be called cruel, even when they are kindest.

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

Nothing is wholly obvious without becoming enigmatic. Reality itself is too obvious to be true .

I'd like to have the script in a much better place from day one of shooting, rather than trying to continue to work on it while you shoot it. I think those are lessons you learn on any film.

Somehow, while I wasn't looking, I fell. And I fell hard.

The enemy of the human race...invented a means never before heard of, by which he might hinder the preaching of God's word of Salvation to the people.