I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Great God! Thank you for the joy in my heart.

My last trip to New Orleans was for the fifth anniversary of Katrina, and I had the awesome opportunity to bring my family down. We all worked on a house together and met some of the families.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Paint something every day.

The last refuge of intolerance is in not tolerating the intolerant.

What does it feel like to get shot?" "I don't recommend it," said Nellie in a controlled voice. "Chocolate is definitely better.

These elites, preferring to work in private, are rarely found posed for photographers, and their influence upon events has therefore to be deduced from what is known of the agencies they employ.

I've come to realize that you live on through recordings; they're like a musical diary, a window into somebody's soul.

That foreign trade should be fair rather than free.

You fog the mind, you stir the soul.