I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The first function of mythology is showing everything as a metaphor to transcendence.

To rejoice in conquest is to rejoice in murder.

I look at myself as an audience member. I still love movies, and I still go and sit in the back of the big dark room with everybody else, and I want the same thrill.

There cannot be a personal God without a pessimistic religion. As soon as there is a personal God he is a disappointing God.

There's always wan encouragin' thing about th' sad scientific facts that come out ivrv week in th' pa-apers. They're usually not thrue.

Whatever we are we belong together. Wherever we are, we will find each other. Whoever we are we are forever one.

I refuse to believe in a god who is the primary cause of conflict in the world, preaches racism, sexism, homophobia, and ignorance, and then sends me to hell if I'm 'bad'.

The poor live slow and hard; the rich, fast and easy. The rest of us shuffle along as we may.

Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.

People who stand in the "middle-of-the-road" get run over.