I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A leader is not just a person who gives orders. He is also the one who symbolises the society he leads. If the leader is corrupt, then the society must be corrupt too.

Truth is stranger than fiction...

Scarlet the poppies Blue the corn-flowers, Golden the wheat. Gold for the Eternal: Blue for Our Lady: Red for the five Wounds of her Son.

We were watching Barrons. Why were you watching Barrons? Barrons needs watching.

If you can pinpoint the moments in social media that are really negative experiences, those are the ones you can cut out. And when you do, you recognize how much better your life is.

Spintharus, speaking in commendation of Epaminondas, says he scarce ever met with any man who knew more and spoke less.

I don't believe there is any finer mission on earth than just to make people laugh.

Creativity is, quite simply, a genuine interest combined with initiative.

Look to what you have around you and be grateful, instead of searching for more. All you take with you when you leave this world is love, friendship, and good deeds.

Life keeps getting better. If anything, you start to carry a certain pride in having survived all those years.