I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied — so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

A terrible plague has either killed mankind or transformed them into demons ... and all they want is Compton's soul.The best place to conceal esoteric information is right in front of us.

An educated person would know that holding a degree will not make you entitled to a better job nor a better salary than someone who has no degree.

It's my mission to tell the Australians from abroad in my work that Australia is a wonderful place.

Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team

The media is supposed to be custodians of the facts and watchdogs of government. They have, for the most part, neglected to be either of those things.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

I'd give a hundred dollars for a cold beer.

Andrew Johnson was a Southerner generally who proclaimed that his native state of Tennessee was a country for white men.

I look at people's lives and you see what's not working in their lives and it usually comes from an undisciplined mind.