I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

You can’t spell American without “I can.

Fort Smith, being the place of my longest stay, was the scene of my largest medical practice.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

If I diminish you, I diminish myself

Perseverance is neither praiseworthy nor blameworthy; for it seems to be only the enduring of certain inclinations and opinions which men neither give themselves nor take away from themselves.

I don't even know what I was running for—I guess I just felt like it.

I really think if you take away a character's obstacles then there's no comedy.

This crusade to separate church and state is only one expression of my raison d'être. I'm an atheist, but I'm also an anarchist, and a feminist, and an integrationist.

We as a global community are only as strong as our weakest link.

God's love for us is not the reason for which we should love him. God's love for us is the reason for us to love ourselves.