I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Enlightenment is to replace your own self with the self of the universe!

Love, JamieP.S. I can't believe you're dying. Please don't die.

I wasn't the president. And my first wife thinks I'm great. And my second wife and my - and I have a great marriage. I mean, I have a great marriage.

So much more profitable and gracious is doctrine by example than by rule.

You'll get much better results by being upfront, answering creditors calls, and responding to their letters. Delaying the inevitable only digs a deeper hole.

I am chilled by the realization of how similar circumstances in Europe in 2013 are to those of 100 years ago.

I spend most of every day writing. I like to write every day if I can. I don't start extremely early.

And if by prayer Incessant I could hope to change the will Of Him who all things can, I would not cease To weary Him with my assiduous cries.

The first undressing of two lovers is a most special event.

We apply law to facts. We don't apply feelings to facts.