I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

The minute I stopped trying to find the right girl, and started trying to become the right guy...the girl came.

There are savages without God in any proper sense of the word, but none without ghosts.

What's a good investment? Go home from work early and spend the afternoon throwing a ball around with your son.

Don't worry about what you can't do; focus instead on what you can do... and then do it.

I don't even know if you're allowed to say this. But just like you can't be a little bit pregnant, you also can't be a little bit spread.

Climate change is real and it is caused to a significant extent by human activity.

Whether of not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Trials are no longer about freeing the innocent, punishing the guilty, and making restitution to the injured. They have devolved into a contest over who will win.