I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

A real woman's blood pressure will go up when another man touch her, in anger of me losing my dignity and not because she likes it.

We all have our secrets

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

I fink I gots deaf on me willie.

Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here!

I wanted to support things that are helpful to people and maybe bash what I think is dangerous. So I switched from being everybody to being myself.

I've never attended any Tea Party functions.

It is certain that most who concentrate upon achievement miss life.

He (Cato) never gave his opinion in the Senate upon any other point whatever, without adding these words, "And, in my opinion Carthage should be destroyed." ["Delenda est Carthago."]

The shortest verse in the Bible is 'Jesus wept.' The only thing wrong with it is the past tense.