I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.

The only unbearable thing is that nothing is unbearable.

There are many more women who identify as unique people as well as mothers, or instead of as mothers, than there used to be and, hopefully, there are more men who identify as fathers.

It's hard to get lost in a scene, to get into a character when everyone's standing around you on the set.

Every time I see his name (Dean Chance) on a lineup card, I feel like throwing up.

Every day brings a chance to live free of regret and with as much joy, fun, and laughter as you can stand.

I go and see music all the time.

How you end something as profound and important as a marriage is a reflection of how you live your life--financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

You put two egos together and you've either got a conflict, which is always interesting, or better yet, a love affair.