I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

He tried to name which of the deadly seven might apply, and when he failed he decided to append an eighth, regret.

There is no debating that the effects of trauma experienced in childhood may have grave consequences.

You must remember that no one lives a life free from pain and suffering.

You will serve. Either someone else's vision and purpose, or your own.

Don't you want to kiss me?' she asks.She smiles just a little, a hopeful, sweet smile, but buried in it is that confidence that slays me.

I work hard on my defense. It's something I take pride in, but it's nothing that I want to brag about. It's part of my game.

He's 19 years of age, ... He's a fiery character and competitive. I think maybe when he sees things that are a bit of an injustice against him then he reacts like that.

roses are the only flowers at garden-parties; the only flowers that everybody is certain of knowing.

I'll always be thankful for what I have right now. I feel that it's been a blessing. But I know my time will come. It's just the way life is.

Nutrition trumps genes.