I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Abbey relaxed, grateful not only that someone had thought to throw a party for her, but that she had been able to escape attending.

O jealousy! thou magnifier of trifles.

All human life can be found in an airport.

Improvise. Write your own damn story.

If I announce something i'm making sure I'm doing it.

Everybody has a line. It doesn't matter how you're dressed onstage or what you say in your songs, that doesn't give anybody the right to invade your personal space.

The shortest way to arrive at glory would be to do that for conscience which we do for glory.

This also is a part of the teaching of the Church, that there are certain angels of God, and certain good influences, which are His servants in accomplishing the salvation of men.

I've always been intrigued by fighter pilots and strategy because it occurs in like, milliseconds, you know.

I think people just like rooting. If they like you, they're going to want to root for you and you're one of theirs. And if they don't like you? It doesn't matter.