I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

It doesn't really matter who you used to be, what matters is who you've become.

...I understand that at times, life takes us in different directions than we planned.

Peace can't be forced, only discovered from within

Style personality - deliberately adopted and therefore a mask - is the only escape from the hot-faced bargainers and money-changers.

Once vigorous measures appear to be the only means left of bringing the Americans to a due submission to the mother country, the colonies will submit.

There's a difference between being obsessed and being motivated.

The spirit of poetry, like all other living powers, must of necessity circumscribe itself by rules, were it only to unite power with beauty.

I think a lot of people haven't even seen my videos but just hearing my name are like "Oh, that's that dumb Internet thing." And I'm definitely trying to shake that a little bit.