I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

You can’t reach the destination which you don’t know. So what’s the use of hard work when you don’t know where it’s taking you?

When we are courageous enough to begin exploring the ‘Why’s” and the ‘Who’s' of life, the ‘How’s’ and ‘What’s’ of life start to come into focus as well. "

When dark, it's bright, when brightest, it's gone. When gone for good, so will I be.What am I?

Duke to Michel: I’m fairly certain that even ifyou’d struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.

For Jack Kennedy, who only made campaigning LOOK easy, it was, in fact, anything but.

Everything except God has some natural superior; everything except unformed matter has some natural inferior.

The problem with most people! Is that you're not obsessed with improvement.

It's nice not to have lines when you frown, especially on TV. I don't know why people make such a fuss about it. No one is interested if a woman has her teeth capped or her hair dyed.

It is weakness which makes us hate an enemy and seek revenge, and it is idleness that pacifies us and causes us to neglect it.

You just have to decide if you're a Tigger or an Eeyore.