I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

In the United States, there was no simpler, more agreeable time.

The only strategy to protect and preserve a nation is to establish the golden rules and principles of the Kingdom of God in the society.

I was once part of a Christmas cabaret. I sang 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.' I tap-danced. I had a ten-gallon hat. It was quite absurd.

Bats drink on the wing, like swallows, by sipping the surface, as they play over pools and streams.

I enjoy a special collegiality among other writers in the thriller community. They call me Canadas scariest writer, and I love that.

You never know what can happen. I feel like I have a pretty good chance, but you never know.

You do not destroy an idea by killing people, you replace it with a better one.

I think people want to feel stuff right now.

The law of life is to leave behind the ground one is standing on and then step forward.

As long as I can enjoy something, other people can enjoy it, too.