I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

We first fought the heathens in the name of religion, then Communism, and now in the name of drugs and terrorism. Our excuses for global domination always change.

In that moment it dawned on me that everything has to line up perfectly for something to turn out this awful.

Oh it's a pebble... But it's a really nice pebble Dad thanks.

Giftedness is your accelerator; wisdom is your brake.

It is inner abandonment that leads men to the highest truth.

I've never believed in lower wages. Never. Never believed in lower wages, I've never believed in lower wages as an economic instrument.

I answer questions the best I can.

In the future, I will make certain that I commit to projects so there's enough breathing space for me to have an emotional life.

When I first heard that Barack Obama was going to be the first black president, I wanted to do the smallest, biggest tribute in history.