I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Gratitude takes less energy than anger.

The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism.

For the one who writes it . . . a story is like a mirror.

Imagination, that dost so abstract us That we are not aware, not even when A thousand trumpets sound about our ears!

I used to be teased for the way I wore my hair at school. I used to do things like wear a different-colored sock on each leg.

O Lord, You bless all with Your bountiful blessings.

There's more technology in your car than there is in your computer. It's got thousands of parts in it. It's extremely sophisticated, all that robotics.

True joy is to take pleasure in one's own accomplishments.

All fled—all done, so lift me on the pyre— The Feast is over, and the lamps expire.

I find playwriting to be incredibly difficult compared to screenwriting. Part of it is that I grew up watching movies and not watching plays.