I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I am still married, yes - no children. I have Benzo, though; he's my dog, a Lhasa apso.

In a highly critical, scarcity-based world, everyone's afraid to fail. As long as we're afraid to fail, we'll never come up with the big, bold ideas we need to solve these problems.

Some fairy tales end with the girl marrying the prince... some start there.

It's when you treat people like freaks that you become one yourself.

Most of wars or military coups or invasions are done in the name of democracy against democracy.

There are no countries in the world less known by the British than those selfsame British Islands.

The natural hostility of beasts is laid aside when flying from pursuers; so also when danger is impending the enmity of rivals is ended.

I've never seen service as separate from my spiritual practice or my spiritual teaching.

Joy is prayer; joy is strength, joy is love. God loves a cheerful giver. The best way we can show our gratitude to God and the people is to accept everything with joy.

What my parents never considered is that I just wanted a choice.