I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Total time spent together with effort yields the value of a product

If you don't have a whole lot of unsatisfied people, the economy stops dead, doesn't it?

As Borges has taught us, all the books in the library are contemporary. Great poems are like granaries: they are always ready to enlarge their store.

Every major question in history is a religious question. It has more effect in molding life than nationalism or a common language.

I come in peace...Take me to your lizard.

While we are alive we should sit among colored lights and taste good wines, and discuss our adventures in far places; when we are dead, the opportunity is past.

History never exactly repeats itself, but it does some rather good impressions.

What unleashes action is an individual's willingness to make mistakes - even to look foolish or stupid.

Love conquers all; therefore, let us submit to love.

I love myself when I am laughing. . . and then again when I am looking mean and impressive.