I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

Our job is...To listen more than we speak.To follow more than we lead.To love more than we receive.To forgive more than we've been forgiven.To remember more than we forget.

He turned the corner and flipped me off at the same time. See? Men could multitask. I was so proud of him.

You can stay here with your papa and die or you can go with me.... You'll be all right.

Haruhi: Whaddaya think I am?! The Twins: To us? Why that's obvious-- a toy!

God, middle age is an unending insult.

Conversion is not putting a man in an armchair and taking him easily to heaven. It is the beginning of a mighty conflict, in which it costs much to win the victory.

I'm hoping the reader can see that artificial intelligence is better understood as a belief system instead of a technology.

Robots want to love us because the field of artificial intelligence has programmed robots to say they want to love us.

I'm Chris Martin with down syndrome