I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Everybody is a genius but if you judge a fish by its able to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.

It is easier to be a mere performer and not to make serious decisions, to live with an assistance of someone else’s mind and obey someone else’s command when you are a person of victim mentality

When you're one with being you're one with god.

Apology makes you self responsible while excuse makes you undependable

The wanting was a wilderness and I had to find my own way out of the woods.

I get constantly mistaken for Elijah Wood. I was in Japan and someone held out a photo of him for me to sign.

...With stories even a page can take me hours, but the truth seems to flow out as fast as I can get it down.

The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. Whatever you think you can do, or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, power and grace.

But...what if I mistime it?" Gilan smiled widely. "Well, in that case, I'll probably lop your head off your shoulders." Horace and Gilan

I was under contract to Paramount. They wanted to make me into somebody which I was not. So I got so scared and rebelled, so they threw me out of the studio.