I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

I serve the God of Isaiah 45:7 so when the darkness comes who gets your praises?

That's why I never became a director. I never had patience with people.

The main trouble with this civilized world isn't that we adventure too much, but that we fail to adventure enough.

Having to know the answers puts in terrible positions from which to learn.

Inability, human incapacity, is the only boundary to an art.

The reason why we're not happy is because we believe consciously and subconsciously that we're separate from god, eternal awareness.

I believe that eating simple food in a healthy body with a clean conscience is more pleasurable, and infinitely more satisfying, then eating decadent food that makes you and your world ill.

It is not enough to be a hardworking person. Think: what do you work at?

With any method of attaining great wealth, there is a price, and price is not always measured in money

I never wanted to be a professional artist; I think that's limiting.