I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

Knowing what to do with time is the key to being productive

Choose yourself. Define yourself. Love yourself.

Too much and too little wine. Give him none, he cannot find truth; give him too much, the same.

A noble hunger, long unsatisfied, met at last its proper food.

Do not say, What what fear has a rich man of calamity.

Athletes that can't listen, can condition.

If employees aren't satisfied, they won't promote the product we need.

The bottom line is that the euro is a failed experiment.

I see the artist as a participant, a co-producer of reality.

Change happens not just by giving the mind new arguments but also by feeding the imagination new beauties