I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Reality is not static—its properties are in constant flux, so perhaps we are as much in the world as we can ever be, and that's the problem.

Aside from God, you are your best helping hand. God has already blessed you with the ability to always strive and thrive. Try not to disappoint yourself.

Each of us has an undeniable responsibility to ourself and the rest of the world to be our personal best on any given day.

Probably no man ever had a friend that he did not dislike a little.

By far, the content of Canadian films. You're able to push the envelope in ways you can't in the U.S., I find. But also, because of the budgets and everything, it's all condensed, quick, and short.

I'm a huge fan of the series of books by Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments. I'm a fan myself, so to be cast as the lead heroine is completely incredible.

You can't force yourself to be something you are not.

We are determined to defeat them and destroy them on the walls of our capital, as we are determined to destroy their miserable armies in every Muslim spot.

Think big and don't listen to people who tell you it can't be done. Life's too short to think small.

It is the habitual, not the periodical thought that decides your destiny.