I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

The greatest threat to peace is the barrage of rightist propaganda portraying war as decent, honorable, and patriotic.

You can teach a person all you know, but only experience will convince him that what you say is true.

Music can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable.

Universities exist to transmit knowledge and understanding of ideas and values to students not to provide entertainment for spectators or employment for athletes.

There's hardly any governmental censorship in Korea.

Take time enough for your meals, and eat them in company whenever you can. There is no need for hurry in life—least of all when we are eating.

Allison Winn Scotch is the real deal and The Department of Lost and Found is one you absolutely won't want to miss.

Wine is a clog to the pen, not an inspiration.

Peace is not sought in order to provoke war, but war is waged in order to attain peace.

The proud, the cold untroubled heart of stone, that never mused on sorrow but its own.