I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Whoever believed in Jesus Christ, shall be justified by faith in Son of God.

Don't believe in everything that is written. Not everything that is written is true

There is no room for legal hair-splitting when it comes to the humane treatment of detainees - not in a nation founded on the rule of law and respect for human rights.

The executioner is, I believe, very expert; and my neck is very slender

Sometimes I don't understand how another can love her, is allowed to love her, since I love her so completely myself, so intensely, so fully, grasp nothing, know nothing, have nothing but her!

There's things that happen in a person's life that are so scorched in the memory and burned into the heart that there's no forgetting them.

As a general rule, if you want to get at the truth - hear both sides and believe neither.

Sometimes I like to make music together with a singer or with singers.

We've learned more from the newspapers sometimes than we do from our open hearings, for sure.

This melancholy London - I sometimes imagine that the souls of the lost are compelled to walk through its streets perpetually. One feels them passing like a whiff of air.