I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

Beauty is one of the strangest things. It never comes without the pain. But it always comes...eventually.

The sun enlightens everyone, but the light of knowledge enlightens those who are actively seeking the light.

Active participation on LinkedIn is the best way to say, 'Look at me!' without saying 'Look at me!

Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.

I have spent my adult life working in American intelligence. It has been quite an honor. Generally well resourced. A global mission. No want of issues. And it was a hell of a ride.

A shared life is a great life.

Vaccines save lives; fear endangers them. It's a simple message parents need to keep hearing.

Words are like eyeglasses they blur everything that they do not make clear.

When you see anyone being targeted, support her or him with a positive comment or emoji.

Friendship freely given and gratefully received is one of life's greatest gifts.