I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

At least I’m not afraid, and no one will ever call me boring.

I wondered if Grover could still read my emotions, mixed up as they were.

Poetry, at its best, is the language your soul would speak if you could teach your soul to speak.

One murder makes a villain; millions, a hero.

Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.'

It would appear that the natural frontier of Russia runs from Dantzic or perhaps Stettin to Trieste.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

You either believe marriage and human sexuality are sacred, or you do not.

I love those who can smile in trouble.

Jack: Actually, I was found. Lady Bracknell: Found? Jack: Uh, yes, I was in... a handbag. Lady Bracknell: A handbag? Jack: Yes, it was... [makes gestures] Jack: an ordinary handbag.