I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Let us practice the fine art of making every work a priestly ministration. Let us believe that God is in all our simple deeds and learn to find Him there.

There is pain and suffering in this world, but there is also joy, and not just suffering here and joy there, but suffering and joy in the very same place.

Everything good in life is either immoral, illegal or fattening.

I pulled back on the divorce because there is no rush for it. For medical decisions and a ton of other things, it's just smarter that it's put on hold.

The hangover became a part of the day as well allowed-for as the Spanish siesta.

Turn the goddam music up! My heart feels like an alligator!

In order to live happily, live hidden

I'm incapable of hiding my feelings when I'm around someone I don't like.

Maybe I'm a prehistoric monster by being an individual. It's highly likely. All I offer to others is their own individuality. Grab it!

I want to do music the rest of my life.