I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Give God quality time, quality love, and quality prayer, and H will be pleased with your faithfulness and cover you with His grace.

Fiat justitia, ruat caelum. (Let justice be done, though the heavens may fall.)

A trial is two narratives competing for your attention.

Every person faces their own unique challenges and you may not always know what others around you are going through.

I'd do a show about garbagemen if it was good!

When you're visiting an antiques fair, turn left once you've passed through the entrance. Everyone else will turn right, which means you can get to the bargains before them.

Life is too short for chess.

Everybody in St. Louis, every kid in St. Louis, wanted to be Stan Musial. He was the best.

The man filled with good qualities like Truth, Love, absence of jealousy, ego and hatred, can see God without searching for Him. He becomes a Jnani (a man of spiritual wisdom).

I just can’t, Nick, okay? Now, please give me a second to lie here in silence and bleed.” – Caleb