I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

You can’t put a price on fun

Being a Berlin cop in 1942 was a little like putting down mousetraps in a cage full of tigers.

If you wait for opportunities to occur, you will be one of the crowd.

If ever the Divine appeared on earth, it was in the person of Christ.

All I really care about is that I'm being honest and I'm real and I'm coming from a real place.

People don't smile because they're happy. They're happy because they smile.

What is of consequence is I did my best.

The chief recommendation is modesty, then dutiful conduct toward parents, then affection for kindred.

Do you still Kill Gerbils?

As has often been said, a ship is like a lady's watch, always out of repair.