I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

She had discovered that her love of knowing was not unnatural or sinful but the direct consequence of a God-given ability to reason.

Theater is the crucible where we can create the dynamics of life without suffering the flames of their combustion.

There are just three things that you can do with Money: save, give, or invest. Somehow in here in America, with all our creativity, we have invented a fourth use for money: we can squander it

Jesus Christ is our spring board to promotion and prosperity.

I want to encourage women to take control of their health.

We're all looking for a plan that will work. The current plan is not working, and 21,500 additional troops -- it's a snowball in July. It's not going to work.

My stroke of insight would be: peace is only a thought away, and all we have to do to access it is silence the voice of our dominating left mind.

The truly good is he who is one with all those who are deemed bad.

The Jewish press in the USA is solely responsible for our poor publicity.

It is no shame to lose to me, mortal. Even among mythical creatures there are very few who can give a unicorn a good game.