I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Sometimes, if she simply remained quiet, and let the inadequacy of his excuses reverberate on the air, he became ashamed and backtracked.

When I returned in the next stage of life, I wish to return as Lailah Gifty Akita.

He that is respectless in his courses oft sells his reputation at cheap market.

I'm very much a bit of a ghost presence.

“You may have eternity. I have only now.” “But this is eternity.”

I created a vision of David in my mind and simply carved away everything that was not David.

I've heard about you. I've heard about you, too.

The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of a broken heart.