I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Confidence and hope builds up in you when you have a glimpse of what your future is like

Success comes from patience and passion.

Yeah, my parents are crappy, but you hurt either of my sisters and I will spend my life finding ways to destroy you.

All great and precious things are lonely.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

If you're playing basketball with someone who's better than you, you have to get better or else it's no fun

God if the press ever quoted anyone correctly it would be brilliant.

Be able to keep a secret or promise when you know in your heart that it is the right thing to do.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

Maybe most Moslems peaceful, but until they recognize and destroy their growing jihadist cancer they must be held responsible.