I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

A sword needs a sheath, heh, and a wedding needs a bedding.

Its all about perception in life, For some One minus One = One & for some its Zero.That's the only difference.

I asked my dad, “If we were going to have two dads, should we call you Dad Number One and Dad Number Two?

My past conduct was so transparent and so honest that when my enemies spread rumours about me nobody believed them.

Every dream, every hope, every ambition would have been true.... If only.... If only you were mine!

I have always said there is only one thing that can bring our nation down - our dependence on foreign countries for food and energy. Agriculture is the backbone of our economy.

Consciousness is not a bunch of thoughts or a certain level of understanding. Consciousness is a dimension that is beyond our physicality.

If you don't know by now, you're never going to know.

Any strikeout record worth having is in a Texas pitcher's pocket. I might come join them one day.

In visual futurism, the line between total fantasy and futuristic is a thread of reality.