I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

The patrists poison themselves. The matrists tend to decay, which is merely another kind of poison.

Sydney, look at me.' He rested his hands on the car roof and leaned in. 'No one is going to hurt you. Do you know why?' She shook her head, and Victor smiled. 'Because I'll hurt them first.

Pray v: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Life consists only of moments, nothing more than that. So if you make the moment matter, it all matters

We are obliged to regard many of our original minds as crazy at least until we have become as clever as they are.

Only the rich can get justice, only the poor cannot escape it.

The people that really pass judgment on you really have nothing to do with what you do, usually.

If there were a ritual dance of the androgyne, Tai chi as performed by this master could be that dance. It is neither a masculine dance nor a feminine dance. It has the strength and grace of both.

And it's hard at the end of the day

The Taj Mahal appears like a perfect pearl on an azure ground. The effect is such I have never experienced from any work of art.