I wish I was a better athlete. That would have been a little cooler, being a great boxer and walking into a room and going: "I can knock everybody out!" That's a good feeling.

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing 'Maria' from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.

I immediately said yes for one reason and one reason only....Netflix rhymes with Wet Chicks.

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

Hanukkah is...the festival of lights, instead of one day of presents, we get eight crazy nights

Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.

It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah, drink your gin and tonica.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

Of course, I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when youve had too much to drink. Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.

After this, I can't resist. "Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide.

Competition is simply an unestablished paternship.

Before you die, please share your love with the unknown immortal existence which is in your body and unite with the divine to live in godliness after you die....

I'm in love with writing, but sometimes I swear it hates me.

The thing with restaurant talk is you’re not supposed to take it to heart.

It's not how many tickets can we sell, it's where do we want to play, not where should we play to make the most money. We don't really care about that.

Some of the fans look at me as a villain or not a nice guy for some reason. I don't feel like that's the case, personally.

Nor from hell One step no more than from himself can fly By change of place.

The ways of the Lord are not easy, but we were not created for an easy life, but for great things, for goodness.

The law of attraction says like attracts like.