I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Set your peace freebefore your caged mind catchesyou again in another dream trapwhere you may loathe to be your own menace awaiting in hope of a war-less world !

I know what ails you.

You can graciously live through every struggle.

It felt bizarre to be ignored in general, much less by an embodiment of Aidan--who used to stare at her so hard that he'd run into trees.

I can't imagine wanting to be famous just for the sake of being famous. I think fame should come along with success, talent.

Country music is three chords and the truth.

Art is not a democracy, in fact art is the enemy of democracy

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

That man is out of reach of harm in this life, who is sure of possessing heaven in the next. This is the portion of every believer.

The success of every woman should be the inspiration to another. We should raise each other up. Make sure you're very courageous: be strong, be extremely kind, and above all be humble.